How To Know When Things Are Bad
by Lacrimosa Cruentus Luna
Summary: 30 signs to show you when you're screwed. Or when things have gone totally insane.....
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: **This is based on a real mental list I have. It's ever growing. This may stay a one-shot or it may extend. I don't own Bleach, but I do own this list =)

**X X X X X X X X X X X X X**

You know things are bad when…

1. Shiro-chan smiles

2. Gin **STOPS**smiling

3. Yachiru's sense of direction actually leads her somewhere

4. Zaraki takes off his eye patch and bells. At that point you better start running

5. Rangiku turns down a bottle of sake

6. Yumichika says something that doesn't totally revolve around himself

7. Ikkaku wears a wig

8. Rukia grows an inch (although the same could be said for Toushirou…)

9. Orihime bitch-slaps Rukia

10. Ishida stops looking so damn girly!!

11. Renji says something nice to Ichigo

12. Ukitake gets out of bed for more than ten minutes

13. Kurotsuchi stops blabbering and does something useful for a change

14. Nemu stops trying to imitate a robot

15. Urahara stays out of someone's business

16. Tousen quits his stupid speeches about 'justice'

17. Nanao takes off her glasses and wipes that serious look off her face

18. Shunsui dresses like a normal person

19. Komamura starts responding to "fetch boy!"

20. Byakuya throws a party with alcohol instead of tea

21. When someone gets the guts to tell Byakuya that his zanpakuto is girly and question how this reflects Byakuya himself (and his sexuality)

22. Momo gives up on Aizen

23. Karin wears a dress

24. Yoruichi stops getting naked in front in Ichigo

25. Ichigo's diary if found. Then we all get to find out his secrets!!

26. When Aizen admits to his ADD problem

27. Unohana yells at someone

28. Kira stops being such a freakin wanna-be-emo

29 Soi Fon stops being so violent

30. Kiyone and Sentaro calm down, stop stalking Ukitake and shut the hell up

**X X X X X X X X X X X X X**

That was fun. I have a lot more but I didn't wanna make it too long. Maybe I'll add another chapter at some point…or maybe not. By the way –cough cough- everyone likes reviews –cough cough-


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: **First off, my many thanks to the people who reviewed. You all deserve yummy brownies. A couple minutes ago, I got the inspiration to add in some very…er, special characters, whether they be alive or dead!! And…oh and, as much as I hate to admit this, I don't own Bleach T.T

**X X X X X X X X X X X X**

You know things are bad when…

1. Grimmjow uses Ikkaku's eye shadow

2. Ikkaku finds out that Grimmjow used his eye shadow

3. Ulquiorra admits that Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh is his hero because Eeyore is the original emo

4. Szayel learns he is too old to be playing with dolls, with or without murderous intentions

5. A dental surgeon finds Nnoitra and comments on his rather large teeth

6. The dental surgeon actually gets away in one piece

7. Wonderweiss says something that makes sense

8. Stark starts paying attention to things

9. Halibel throws a tantrum

10. Yammy calls Jenny Craig

11. Dordonii Alessandro Del Socacchio shrinks his name to something a bit more pronounceable

12. Gantenbainne decides to take hair style advice from Yumichika

13. Circucci takes a chill pill

14. Aizen starts selling his own brand of hair gel (you know, the kind he used when he and his buddies split for Hueco Mundo)

15. Aaroniero Arruruerie fianally picks one name to go by

16. Isshin acts like a normal father

17. Kon shows some self-restraint

18. Yuzu shows a single bit of her violent side

19. Tatsuki meets up with Soi Fon

20. Keigo goes after a girl for her brains not her boobs

21. Mizuiro hits on a girl his age, not twenty years older

22. Noba goes to therapy

23. Ririn admits to self-anger issues

24. Kurodo even TRIES to be brave

25. Isshin's attitude starts rubbing off on Ryuken

26. Kukaku shows Ichigo some mercy

27. Ganju eats Bonnie

28. Jinta surrenders to Karin

29. Ururu's attitude matches her fighting style

30. Tessai confesses that his mustache is fake.

**X X X X X X X X X X X X X**

Is Tessai's mustache fake? We will never know…. And you know, reviews are _always _nice.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: **Thanks to my fantastic, wonderful, amazing, spectacular reviewers! It's you guys who tell me whether or not I should keep adding chapters. This could end up being a really long list….

**X X X X X X X X X X X X X **

You know things are bad when…

1. Yumichika runs a fashion show (this is inevitable, but would still be scary)

2. Yamamoto goes out for a drink and leaves Yachiru in charge

3. Rukia realizes that she can't draw for crap

4. The Urahara shop has a NORMAL customer

5. Tousen is able to see (you can bet he'd pull some seriously subversive acts)

6. Szayel and Ishida start a sewing club

7. Renji dyes his hair purple

8. Ukitake becomes a pervert (he'd probably have a heart attack 0.0)

9. Orihime cooks something edible by someone other than Rangiku

10. Chad admits to taking steroids

11. Toushirou stops telling Momo to call him Hitsugaya-taichou

12. Momo stops calling Toushirou Shiro-chan

13. Byakuya accepts Ichigo as his future son-in-law (sorry hitsuruki fans)

14. Gin and Wonderweiss become friends

15. Hisagi finds out the double mean to the 69 on his face (he better hope that tattoo is removable…)

16. Zaraki gets into a fist fight with Byakuya (who do you think would win?)

17. Yachiru learns bankai

18. Aizen admits that he went gay for Gin at first sight

19. Mayuri does something nice for someone

20. Nemu starts rapping

21. Shunsui stops hitting on his lieutenant

22. Nanao gets out and has some fun

23. Rangiku covers her boobs

24. Iba takes off his creeper sunglasses

25. Komamura starts using fire hydrants instead of toilets

26. Isane's nightmare about fish paste comes true (we will all blame her because we can)

27. Hanataro becomes captain of the eleventh division

28. Kira admits that he—like Aizen—is gay for Gin. Poor Gin

29. Sasakibe gets drunk with his captain

30. Unohana and Zaraki get married in Vegas!!

**X X X X X X X X X X X X X**

I don't really know where the last one came from, but I don't really know where any of them come from. So now we have 90 signs. You people want more? Review and tell me. Or just plain out review. Pleeease!


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: **A request gave me the inspiration to make this one Gin, Aizen and Tousen based. How fun! Until they come to murder us all. I know I already updated today but...I just couldn't wait!

**X X X X X X X X X X X X X**

You know things are bad when…

1. Tousen goes sight-seeing (heh heh _sight_-seeing! Get it?)

2. Gin surrenders to his gay fan boys

3. Aizen has a bake sale

4. Tousen apologizes to Grimmjow for being such an ass and cutting off his arm

5. Gin takes a gardening class…not that there's much to plant in Hueco Mundo

6. Aizen starts writing fics about him and Gin

7. Tousen asks Szayel if he could perform eye surgery. Or maybe that just makes Tousen desperate

8. Gin stops being a sadistic freak (like that's ever gonna happen)

9. Aizen takes anti-stress medication

10. Tousen runs for president (he doesn't know that he's too late: we already got Obama)

11. Gin learns to text (pray for Byakuya's poor soul should this happen)

12. Aizen starts running into walls because he forgot his glasses in the Soul Society

13. Tousen finds his inner child

14. Gin and Ulquiorra go to the mall together (does Hueco Mundo have a mall?)

15. Aizen dyes his hair pink because he wants to look like Szayel

16. Tousen starts listening to his inner child

17. Gin dyes his hair pink just to piss off Szayel

18. Aizen gets drunk with Nnoitra and Stark

19. Tousen buys a bunch of cloth bags for the Espada because he wants them all to go 'green' and 'eco-friendly' although we all wonder how the hell this works with his help-Aizen-DESTROY-Karakura plan

20. Gin finds the fics Aizen has been writing about them

21. Aizen is impaled by Gin because of these fics

22. Tousen finds this amusing

23. Gin goes emo and claims he now looks like Ulquiorra

25. Aizen tells Tousen that Santa Clause isn't real

26. Tousen becomes a judge

27. Gin comes down with a case of the giggles

28. Aizen decides that he should be like Tousen and go 'eco-friendly' (again: THIS DOEN'T WORK!!)

29. Tousen adopts puppy

30. Szayel steals the puppy and turns it into…well, what can you turn a puppy into?

**X X X X X X X X X X X X X**

The last two were inspired by my pet Chihuahua who was sleeping on my lap the whole time I was writing this. Reviews? Anyone?


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: **It's been a while since I updated this…I don't know why I'm doing it now to be honest. I'm just bored and with an inspiration. And Bleach-less.

X X X X X X X X X X X X X

1. Renji decides to pierce his ear in addition to the tattoos

2. Rangiku requests breast reduction

3. Yachiru goes through puberty

4. Yumichika realizes he is a failure at being a man

5. Orihime finally understands that Ichigo is and forever will be Rukia's

6. Nanao burns a book (without crying)

7. Aizen hands out signed copies of his new book: _Perfecting Your Evil Laugh Just Before You Betray The Soul Society_

8. Karin gives up soccer for ballet

9. Tatsuki joins her

10. Kira meets Ulquiorra

11. Kukaku admits to being a pyromaniac

12. Ganju becomes Yumichika's apprentice

13. Tessai takes off his apron

14. Soi Fon gives up on Yoruichi

15. Zaraki goes to Anger Managment Classes

16. Toushirou goes out drinking

17. Mayuri discovers biological warfare

18. Zaraki learns bankai (at which point we will all be beyond screwed)

19. Urahara sends Soi Fon a stuffed black cat and says that Ichigo killed Yoruichi and stuffed her. Soi Fon will kill Ichigo and end all hope for the Soul Society. Nice one Soi Fon.

20. Omaeda figures out what his shikai resembles: himself with spikes!

21. Isane starts acting like her sister

22. Hisagi throws a hissy fit

23. Ikkaku becomes a pacifist

24. Gin admits that he was raised by foxes

25. Yamamoto holds a therapy session instead of a captain meeting

26. Byakuya admits that the noodles on his head were superglued there when he was child as a prank

27. Nemu gets a sense of humor

28. Ichigo and Toushirou realize that they use the SAME hair gel to spike up their hair!

29. Yoruichi starts eating catnip

30. Uryu and Renji become Power Rangers together

X X X X X X X X X X X X X

Huh. I wonder what Renji and Uryu would look like as Power Rangers....Merry Christmas everyone! Speaking of Christmas...how 'bout a couple of reviews as a present?


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note**: Wow. Chapter five went really well. That makes me veeeeeerryyy happy! Much thanks to the people who reviewed (awesome Christmas present, lemme tell ya). Maybe next year I'll get Bleach, but I still don't own it yet……

X X X X X X X X X X X X X

1. Gin forgets his accent at the shinigami grocery store

2. Rangiku does a stack of paperwork

3. Toushirou skips off on paperwork

4. Yamamoto and Barragan realize that they're twins separated at birth

5. Halibel, Rangiku, Orihime, and Neliel create the Big Busted Babes club…although for some people, that's really not so bad…

6. Aizen creates _Hueco Mundo Idol_

7. Anyone chooses to freely participate

8. Grimmjow professes his undying love to Ulquiorra

9. Ulquiorra comes up with a joke that actually has some humor in it

10. Ukitake legally adopts Toushirou

11. Urahara explains Christmas to the whole Soul Society

12. Yachiru enters her rebellious stage

13. Isane gets over her phobia of fish paste

14. Hanataro does some actual damage to someone

15. Ganju meets Yammy

16. Renji becomes a tattoo artist

17. Byakuya spray paints Yamamoto's quarters

18. Ikkaku passes up a fight

19. Yumichika stops putting twelve different products in his hair

20. Kiyone and Sentaro discover methamphetamine

21. Yoruichi cuts her kitty claws :0

22. Yachiru discovers pudding

23. Nanao gets wasted with her captain

24. Ichigo pierces his ear

25. Rukia pierces her ear so they can be matching

26. Byakuya finds out (run Kurosaki run!)

27. Mayuri gets kidnapped into the circus to become a clown

28. Ulquiorra and Grimmjow have a baby together (Mpreg. It could happen…)

29. Aizen gets a pair of shades to replace his glasses

30. Komamura adopts a puppy and calls it his son

X X X X X X X X X X X X X

OK people I'm very sorry for this very late update, but my imagination is going veeeeeeeeeerryyy slow lately. I'm going to try and keep this story going as long as I can but updates will have gaps. I'm sorry =(

Will you review anyway? Reviews are a very nice incentive to keep writing more often….


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